Thursday, March 19, 2009

10,000 Spoons when all you need is a knife.

As I was doing my morning work-out, I couldn't stop thinking about the thing that's been frustrating me for months, now. I've been in a stage of heartbreak, since late October. It's been hard for me to shake it off.

I try to stay positive. I've done countless things to make the these feelings fade or vanish, and they stay attached to me.

Last night, I finally accepted the fact of my ex-boyfriend not being the one for me. It's tough to accept reality, at moments. I've beat myself up, countless times, over what I should've done better, what I could have done better, and why didn't I do certain things better. I've realized it's not my fault. He just didn't love me the way I loved him.

He did crappy things to me. I did crappy things to him. But I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. It has sucked.

Since we've been apart, I've talked to a few other guys but I'm unable to connect with them due to my feelings for my ex. Since we've been broken up, I've stayed committed to him. It's been hard to let go.

I, personally, can't have sex with someone to just have sex with someone. Yes, I've made a few mistakes in my life, but overall I'm very selective with my sexual partners due to my feelings of attachment towards them. I don't do booty calls, friends with benefits, one night stands, etc...

I've heard many people say a healthy sex life is good for you. I'm sure it is, but I prefer to be in love and share something special with my partner.

Today, I'm deciding to add a vow of celibacy to my list. I quit drinking, although I did cave on St. Patty's Day and had a few drinks for my friend's Birthday, but no more drinking. I'm sticking firmly to this vow until I meet someone I deeply love, who also loves me back. Which I know will be quite sometime, because my feelings are still very strong towards my ex. I'm also focused on myself at the current moment. I don't want to have a partner for awhile.

Wish me luck!


  1. Good Luck Honey! I wish you all the best. You'll be fine! I wish I had your commitment & drive :)

  2. I am not sure why, but this makes me both happy and sad. Happy for your commitment, sad for the heartbreak. Guys have that same heartbreak, we (Most of us) just do not express it well. Good Luck!


  3. Thank you so much for the support! It's greatly appreciated.

  4. Me-Shell! I'm so proud of you. Giving up drinking is hard at first but you get used to it and then you don't want to drink when you go out.

    I know you don't need any luck on keeping your vow. I remember when you were all hung up on Shawn Thomas. You wouldn't talk to any other guys. I could have hit you in the head a couple times for it.

    Love ya girl!

  5. I have been going through the EXACT same situation...


  6. Good luck. I hope you are staying true to your vows. :) :)