As I was doing my morning work-out, I couldn't stop thinking about the thing that's been frustrating me for months, now. I've been in a stage of heartbreak, since late October. It's been hard for me to shake it off.
I try to stay positive. I've done countless things to make the these feelings fade or vanish, and they stay attached to me.
Last night, I finally accepted the fact of my ex-boyfriend not being the one for me. It's tough to accept reality, at moments. I've beat myself up, countless times, over what I should've done better, what I could have done better, and why didn't I do certain things better. I've realized it's not my fault. He just didn't love me the way I loved him.
He did crappy things to me. I did crappy things to him. But I loved him more than I've ever loved anyone in my life. It has sucked.
Since we've been apart, I've talked to a few other guys but I'm unable to connect with them due to my feelings for my ex. Since we've been broken up, I've stayed committed to him. It's been hard to let go.
I, personally, can't have sex with someone to just have sex with someone. Yes, I've made a few mistakes in my life, but overall I'm very selective with my sexual partners due to my feelings of attachment towards them. I don't do booty calls, friends with benefits, one night stands, etc...
I've heard many people say a healthy sex life is good for you. I'm sure it is, but I prefer to be in love and share something special with my partner.
Today, I'm deciding to add a vow of celibacy to my list. I quit drinking, although I did cave on St. Patty's Day and had a few drinks for my friend's Birthday, but no more drinking. I'm sticking firmly to this vow until I meet someone I deeply love, who also loves me back. Which I know will be quite sometime, because my feelings are still very strong towards my ex. I'm also focused on myself at the current moment. I don't want to have a partner for awhile.
Wish me luck!